I remember allot of things.
I remember a Sunday morning when the livestock were out and being a child running after them, almost throwing up, being ordered to run faster, as that is what mattered was the stock.
I remember during harvest, laying in a truck at 12 years of age, shaking from the chills and almost in shock as I reacted every year that way to grain dusts, in my father appearing and chewing my ass about always being sick as I was to run the combine.
I remember a Christmas vacation at age 14 when my vacation was moving cattle and on the frozen ground my horse slipped and fell on me as I was chasing cattle all alone, and being screamed at by my father for that. I remember sitting all day in 18 degree weather on that horse with a severe sprain, and my father's kindness was telling me I could sit in the pick up for a few to warm up, where he had been all day.
I remember being so dizzy from influenza or another severe allergic reaction I almost fell out of the tractor, but my Mom telling me to "finish up" as that is what would keep peace in the father's household.
I remember it being over 100 degrees, around 120 in the tractor cab and coming home due to the heat, and being ordered by my father to go back out into the field. That time I waited until he went to town and came home, measured the heat as proof, and quit for the day.
I do not focus on those things, all of the experiences, from the past to the present in like events, as it would leave me furious all the time. People can always be counted on to be asses as they are weak little muffins always upset they have not enough blueberry compared to others in their tarts. Family for the most part can always be counted upon to stick the knife in and twist it when you are down.
All of that you can never trust others to save you from things you jump into, thinking you can grab a scrap from the past for your future to make people who hurt you pay. It will only cause more hurt and the only thing one can ever do is leave it alone and hope God kills the SOB's, because if one goes around trying to balance things, one ends up in prison or imprisoned in knowing what you did.
People always expect too much from me. I'm supposed to be omniscient and omnipotent, and am often blamed for such things. My Mom will inquire of me about a light at the end of a tunnel, never recalling years ago I told her we should do something to be able to not be stuck in poverty. She places all on me about these things, and like a creature of the pasture will just look blankly and state she prays, when years of prayers have rectified nothing.
My body was never designed for the work intended by God, and God for His Wisdom, has always expected far too much from me. The step He carries me too, is never praised, but it is always a matter of His being 100 steps away, with the requirement I cover this ground with ease, that only Jesus and the Prophets have been on.
I would that I had it easy like Elisha in having things just be done. I have told God, "You never said let there be light 53 times, but only once", but all of my time feels wasted burning out on the same scorched plain which never seems to have an end.
In all of this, the asses who read this will think they have something on me in weaknesses. Their response will be that God does not love LC and all of the above will be their proof. Asses express that, because it is what they know God judges them as and it is why they keep piles of cash and other niceties about them, as that surely means God loves them as they live better than those poor who they know God hates or He would bless them.
Never mind their reward is here and that is written in Scripture, because they have this all figured out, and when someone is at a low point, that is the time to be an animal and sink in a fang bite, just because they can.
The compassionate will read these things and feel for them in knowing their own empathy. Those who are housed in hurt, will be pleased that others suffer misery in their company.
I see it all as ants in my picnic which is a course of the bread and water of affliction upon a ground of thorns and ivy.
I look forward to when I will not remember any of this. In Job, he could not reason why at one point the wicked are destroyed by God and then next chapter the wicked are not repaid.
My dad is dead. Interestingly, it was after a prayer from my Mom saying she could not take any more. Within a few hours, he was dead from a silent heart attack. There was guilt, helplessness and a great deal of healing in this that took years, on my part as I hated the evil of the person I was supposed to honor as a parent. That though was one of the best answered prayers ever as far as I judge things.
Yet I will see a retired teacher, who did torment me, who I had an Asian wife as slave, sit there in luxury at a grocery, thinking all the women desire his manhood, and yet he lives in God's vision. I did though catch him crossing the street and was unaware it was him.................I might have run him over I suppose, but when I did realize it was this now aging old man, I made certain I did not slow up as much as I could have, and made the codger take a few high steps to get out of the way.
I did enjoy that and I know I will enjoy his decomposing as I have felt justified when God sent to hell others who had hurt me.
In life sometimes good people, like my Mom, enable the wicked, as the good people, have their own psychological Stockholm's taking place. While I have never been like a Montana family friend who said of his dad when he died, "Laying down was too good for him, and he should be dug up and hung in a tree", I have been tempted at times to go piss on the old man's grave.
I do judge the worst thing in the world, is a parent to have children who despise them, when the children are good. To have a child who knows you better than most, to be the one who detests you, that is a horrid failure in life, and it would be the most significant of condemnations.
My dad was a small man, on the inside. On the outside he was an atlas in strength as I have stated he used to bend pliers by squeezing them in his hands. He bullied people, and worst he abused family in the smart way of the threat of a beating, but always using psychology. He was a very bright man.
I feel sorry for him, not in pity, but an absolutely wasted existence. He created his own hell like all do, and in death he is stuck in it waiting the Lake of Fire. I know this as I have asked. I gain balance of peace in this in being justified in God, but as all choose their places to come here, my part is I must have not comprehended the ordeal or I would never have exposed myself to any of this. I judge that none of this is worth any crown of glory, no matter what Scriptures teach. Yes God is always correct, but being the most illuminated light next to God, just does not seem to be that important in the scars which have become proud flesh in being pealed open time and again.
One day when my dad was suffering from gout, he was a sight in he had his foot in a bucket soaking it, and was in paing lamenting, "Ma get the gun and just shoot me".
Being an obedient child who always obeyed, I almost went and got the gun, but reasoned it was not appropriate.
Later when he was better, I mentioned that too him............and with a grin he said quickly, "I probably would have changed my mind".
That is one thing I still smile about in the old man. Only happy memory I have of that dumb ass.
All I have ever had is a Father in Heaven, Who has been good to me, and has been very hard on me. I do not care for any of it, but that would be lunacy to like this kind of horrid life. I certainly would not want this on anyone else, and I certainly would not want anyone elses existence. It is what it is, and it is why God instills in all the fear of death to keep us here and the doubts about Him even being, so we struggle all the time with this, to a beginning in Him to not missing a moment here in this life, when the real Life begins.
Such is life for that Life.
Such is life.
agtG