As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
I was talking with TL this morning in comparing the hell of growing up in our parental gulags and I believe for the first time I have an answer to something I never understood, but there was a myriad of things I never understood about my old man as he was a sociopath, delusional and nuts……..plus an addict to chems.
So this harkens back to being like 12 years old or around there and my need to just reach out and have something beyond the life exterminating repression which were my parents. The old man never took me anywhere unless there was work involved, and in this case, he took me to a neighbor of by Beloved Uncles named Maynard. I think maybe we were hauling some cow or something or moving whatever, but Maynard seemed nice and he asked me if I wanted to come over as he had some posts he needed put in by the creek and he needed help.
I was like, “Wow someone asked me to be hired for a paid job. I would get paid for working and not here the old man’s, “That your bread and butter”. No shit, the old man was always thinking we owed him work because we ate his shit food. He wanted to charge rent for sleeping there if we had money.
Just so the new readers know as I have mentioned this before. This was not some teenage brat whining about the parents not wiping their ass. My parents made my life hell. I was isolated, abused, worked to sickness and mocked when my body fell apart and I got deathly ill, I think my old man tried to run me through the bailer for insurance money…………..so when I say that he broke me one day, and I decided I was going to kill him, I meant it and when he came home from the bar I was going to blow him away. Thee only reason I did not do that, was I was not going to spend the rest of my life in jail for him. It was a cold decision.
So Maynard asks and I tell him I had to get permission from the old man. The old man tells me on the way home, “No Maynard gets kind of jumpy and you might get hurt”.
I was disappointed, as the walls closed in again, and let it go, but it seemed odd as the old man was nuts on a tractor, ramming into things so you almost got killed, so I knew how to survive jumpy nuts.
It was not until today after all these years that it dawned on me by the Holy Ghost that the old man had run away to work for a farmer to punish my Grandpa and had to be begged to come back home by Grandpa.
The old man never got over Grandpa putting him with his sister because he could not afford to feed the kid. It was kindness but that never dawned on the old man who fused as sociopath after that.
It is now the answer that the old man was terrified that once I got over to Maynard’s, I was not going to come back home. Maynard milked a number of cows and I probably would have been hired at a living wage and something would have been rigged up for me to live over there as part of the deal.
His kids were all strung out and not over beat, so Maynard and the old lady would have treated me fair, better than home. Money……..I would have got a vehicle, and as I was already paying my way in school (see I got a cow, but the calf went to pay my bills and that cow meant the old man got free work from me all year for 200 dollars.) He was a finagler that old bastard.
I was a self raising child. I never got into trouble. Self policed, got my work done and was an adult actually doing the heavy mechanical work on where we farmed by the time I was 14. I would have been a child with a vehicle who could get up to milk cows, go to school, get home without fricking around, milked cows and helped out, did homework and watched Star Trek and been at home in that routine. Probably would have went to Church too as it was my custom.
That one denial like most horrid fuck me overs in my life, all brought me to this blog that you feed off of. If I had worked for Maynard, I would have had a different life, would have had a family, would have had a pile of money by now as I’m frugal to the max.
There were allot of those things in my life in things that would have made it better did not work out and I ended up in an ever deepening shithole. I would though after pondering all of this the past years, never go back and do it over if given the chance, as I have suffered enough, and I have had puppies which would not have been in Heaven if not for me. God has helped a number of people here through me, and yes God can raise up people to do this job to help people, but this is apparently the horrid life I chose from the Heaven nursery which I hate……….but I won’t lose my eternal life for hating this one.
I don’t know why God in the Holy Ghost explained that to me, unless I hear the whispers that it will help someone reading this or numbers of people who have regrets. Each of us has done some good for others in the shit life we have now. You do make a difference. I look at it as Isaiah 66 in nothing bad will be remembered and that is fine by me as however long we are here, it is nothing compared to eternity and this brings God more Glory, that is no sense in crying over spilled milk, in what evil others have done. I believe my old man is in hell, believe the mother is going there in Judgment. I have let go of them and am moving toward God more each moment.
It does make me very sad though in the opportunites destroyed or snatched away which would have made life a life, but I probably would have been a stuck up bitch more and that would have retarded my Spiritual growth.
Life is what it is, and I just pack away today and move to the next day to move through in knowing Jesus is going to be in one day that opens up one day. It is how I get through my days and this existence.
God bless each of you.
Nuff Said
agtG
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