I am no busybody.........Now I might, and have been known to to know things. I might have listened to conversations at coffee shops, sat close to people on their cell phones and listened to conversations, enjoyed gossip, repeated gossip and found my ear pressed up against certain doors and windows, listening to what people are talking about, but I am no busybody.
Who am I?
Well who are you to be asking such a nosy question? I mean some people just bump into you while you are talking, no sorting things out in your own voice to yourself, and the next thing is they want to know who you are and what you are talking about.
As though I have nothing to hide, my name is Nosey, Gay Nosey. I am from the Nosey's up state way and not those Nosey's who have as of late been known to be voting for politicians now in office who no one wants to admit they voted for, but my name is Gay Nosey and if you like you can call me Gay and if you do not like, I am still Gay.
As I was saying though, I am no busybody, but I did happen to hear as I was passing by the window of the Cobbs, that would be Wilfred and Eunice Cobb, and their blind daughter, Agnus, who interestingly make corncob pipes for sale to all the vendors at home and abroad.
One wonders if their name was fish pole if they would be masters of that trade too much to the dread of fishes.
Agnus is such a lovely girl, except for that vacant stare. Her eyes aren't the least at all void, just vacant. I know I have waved my hand in front of her face to just see how blind she is, and I know she is blind, because she said, "Gay Nosey if you don't stop flapping your hand in front of my face I am going to bite it off".
That is quite the outburst from Agnus as she is kind as the word kindness. Wouldn't hurt a soul even though many souls have hurt her. She just don't like people flapping their hands in front of her face as I think it gives her a sinus problem when in season.
As I was a listening though, I heard their main dealer, Linus Sneed, was there visiting. Sneed is a most interesting man in I have seen him fighting with poor folks at the Salvation Army over clothes and picking through the tossed out produce at the market in the trash. He says it's for his parakeets, but I know he has no parakeets as I happened to be visiting his house one day when he was not home, sunning by the pool as I have this skin condition which benefits from sunning by rich folks pools and sipping bottled water they have stored by their deck fridge, and as I was minding my own business looking around, there was no parakeets at Sneed's mansion, but there was a wilted lettuce salad in the fridge.
I lay that as my evidence and the thing Sneed always said in, "A penny saved is a penny wasted, as I make more in keeping other people's dollars".
Sneed has lots of other people's dollars though, from what I hear, he has millions of them and he made them all off of the Cobb's cobs.
Sneed has a way of being to the point. I heard him often calling Agnus, "that eye cripple", as he always said to her, being nice about being blind don't make it any kinder for a child who can't see. Might as well rub it in hard to make em cry and be done with it he would say, so they can get themselves to work and not be a drain on society.
Aggie never seemed to mind and for some reason always thought long and hard about what Sneed said. She though was a good girl and I have heard her praying for even liberals and other perverts.
So Sneed was a talking away like he did, when he just let drop out of the blue that he was getting married.
I almost gasped loud enough to be heard, but composed myself quite readily, as he continued that he was a marrying a Taffy von Switzerland, and she was no foreigner mind you, but a real home girl of the nativity, born and bred in the very land on which I was walking.
She was a looker as Sneed had a photo of her from some magazine she was on. She sure looked like Taffy in being white, stretchy long and sweet, with just enough color to make it blush.
Sneed said he was getting married on Christmas Day as he figured that was best as he would never forget Christmas, so he wouldn't be forgetting his anniversary. He figured he could size up the two events into one package taking in both days, and in 25 years of marriage save himself a good sum of money that just might grow into a good investment in that time.
The 25 years? Oh Sneed ain't that young of gentleman, he actually is more like crumbled old crackers than fresh bread. Sort of makes one see how money in the bank even makes cracker crumbs and taffy an interesting meal to dine on in marital bliss.
You know if Joseph Farah had married Farah Fawcett, God rest her soul, she would have been Farah Farah?
Ain't that something.
Things are easier to understand if you can understand them.
Anyway Sneed was carrying on about Taffy this and Taffy that, and mind you he was not inviting the Cobb's to the wedding as Sneed never mixed business with pleasure, but he was just there bragging about how he latched onto this young thing to be his wife and how it was all bliss this and bliss that, as the Cobb's just sat blankly listening to the eulogy of bachelorship for 30 years and the resurrection of Linus Sneed, husband to something that would not have given him one look if he hadn't had that monetary account making him rich and the other folks just poor.
It all got so much that I just had to have some of Mrs. Cobb's oatmeal cookies she had cooling by the window. I just never get them cookies right, as they is always runny and hard, so I figure it is just the way the world is in, some folks are for making cookies and some folks are for eating their cookies, as it is only fair in I am always cookie poor and they are cookie rich.
So I sat there eating my cookie in the bushes as Mr. Sneed took his leave, and decided to walk around a bit as exercise is good for the digestion.
I found a really nice cigar butt that some wasteful miscreant had throwed away, so I took to smoking that as I pondered things. I really would like it if more people smoked cigars as there is something jovial about cigar smoke, pipe smoke for that matter too, I even like snoose as it has that tangy aroma, even if chewing tobacco burns like fire in your mouth.
My thoughts though drifted with them clouds of smoke and I smoked some more and drifted even farther out so them clouds in the sky took to looking like long strings of taffy and crumbled crackers in a sky blue soup.
Somehow they just didn't look like it all belonged together.
I must have thought quite a long time about those things as it was a week later I now recall in I had just been to the pet store, nibbling some dog biscuits as I shared the free ones with the puppies, that I came across the Cobb house again, this time void of oatmeal cookies cooling.
I think that Aggie Cobb, while she is a nice girl, covets them cookies her mother makes, as when I borrow a few of them, the next time I go back the whole pan is gone.
I consider that a huge flaw in a blind girl, but I would never judge anyone as that would make me judgmental.
Anyways, there the Cobbs were and they had a new visitor, I had never seen. So, I checked out his vehicle he had drove up in, as it is amazing how many locked doors come open if you just put some things like wires you got in your pockets down the window slot.
This fellow was according to his registration, Lord Cherry. Now I know you are thinking already this might be that noted Lame Cherry, but I know it is not. I can't rightly tell if Lame is a man or woman, but I can read the difference between Lord and Lame. After all the preacher says, "Praise the Lord", and there is no praise the Lame, although I would figure praising lame folks might be a good thing and it certainly couldn't harm them any.
I did know for certain though this was not Les Cherry or Moore Cherry, who really get into a rash of problems working at the ice cream plant they own and operate as their ice cream maker is always asking, "Shall I put in more cherry flavor Mr. Les?", and Mr. Moore will answer as he is a twin to Mr. Les, "It's Moore cherry here and not Les".
They do though have the cherriest ice cream tasting ice cream in the world though.
Anyway, this Cherry was there and the first thing I heard was him saying, "You don't say!"
Well that didn't do me any good as I had no idea what anyone had been saying about. He then had the audacity to repeat it again!
So knowing listening to him was not going to answer my inquisitive reporter like journalistic pundit nature which so many folks earn millions of dollars doing, I started listening to the Cobbs and they were saying something like this.........
"Yes that Linus Sneed comes here often telling us how to do things, and saying things to little Aggie like, "Cheer up you little nip as bats is blind and they still got some value in this world".
Sure enough this Cherry repeated again, "You don't say!"
Odd in how he kept saying that stuff and it was only after powerful amounts of listening ear energy I had to expound and expel upon that I found out for some reason he was invited to the wedding of Linus and Taffy.
I myself was invited too, as I make it a point to attend all social functions. I like funerals best as you get some good eats at funerals, unless it is them Lutheran funerals as they think green jello is a food group. Next comes graduations, but they have far too many sandwiches and all that bread gives me flatulence.
I always tell my nieces that the man to marry is the flatulent one who relieves himself away from you and not the one who relieves himself to you. More women would do better to mark my advice and I am not one prone to be giving advice.
Bar mitzvah's are alright events too, but that Jewish food gets too heavy, not in the eating, but when you load up your pockets, people tend to notice you are carrying out your next week's dinner, and, last of all is weddings as all they have is sweet stuff. It is getting so bad that one has to hope for a funeral first in the morning just to have a good meal in a day while doing your civic duty in attending these family gatherings.
So the big day arrived, and there was all two of Linus Sneed's friends in this world, his banker who had to come and his accountant who had to come or Sneed would pull out his business, just sitting there all lonely on that side of the Cathedral.
On the other, as I was friends with the bride, as I was not friends with Mr. Sneed, was all of us beautiful people. There was movie stars, singers I saw in the papers, models, television people, people who wrote books as I recognized their names on their name tags and bunches of dirty old men and women who partook of the flavors of candy in casting couches, making it all kind of a family affair that is illegal in most states yet, even where talk show hosts reside.
So as we were watching the bride with her twenty seven attendants, which I found odd in being an odd number, and if you was going to have that many people congregating around you, why not make it a hundred to make a real show of it, but anyway, there came Taffy out, all bosoms blooming out of that dress, looking like a silicon creation of Dr. Botox, and little white doves a flying around, the orchestra playing some tune I didn't recognize, little children dressed as fairies swinging from the ceiling, throwing rose petals, and me sipping on my bottle of champagne I found in a box just calling my name behind the pipe organ, and there was old Sneed, just a looking like the starving dog about to get his first taste of a synthetic entree that would make Soylent Green blush pink.
Well, there were songs being song, some woman preacher, some rabbi, some imam, some guys with leaves in his hair and some women half naked, and all talking words I never heard before, when all of a sudden I heard something I did understand in, "If there is anyone here who objects to this union, let them speak now and forever hold their peace".
It was so silent you could hear a pre nuptials ink drying, when all of a sudden I heard a voice I recognized in this Lord Cherry, who said he was Lars Cherry. I guess that automobile title printer was off a bit as my eye sight is good enough to tell an S from a D.
So this Cherry fellow says, "I object to this old critter getting even a lick of that sweet candy."
I tell you everyone there gasped as that is how that world goes around and Lars Cherry was now saying that gravity was about to have things fall up.
He went on to say that old Sneed should be investing his time with some old saltine that fit his crisp a great deal more, and I josh you not, in he took by the arm a rather plump, old gal that looked like she had been used a bit too much at the television and political networks, and offered her up for Sneed just like a piece of old bread to be dipped in the french toast sauce.
Sneed was so mad his head looked like a combination of a sweaty boil and a cesspool steaming away on a chilled autumn dawn.
This never stopped Cherry though as he next produced a young man on his other side, who he introduced as Max Wiggles. As Cherry told it, Mr. Wiggles was a schoolmate of Taffy who never had the bravery to ask such a beautiful girl out, and was setting there pining over Taffy for 10 whole years and it got so bad he was sitting on a bridge contemplating bad things, when Mr. Cherry found him, dusted him off and said, "Let's go get you married".
And that is how the whole dust up happened, and you know you can trust me as I never lie, and even if relate a half truth it is all in good honesty.
So Lars Cherry goes to guiding them two folks up to the front of the Cathedral with them children raining rose petals down on them, so it looked like some kind of dream. He just told that one preacher who looked in charge to get with it as it was a double ceremony and that is the way it was going to be.
Funny thing is Linus Sneed just took it, and he honestly looked better fitted to his saltine, and I will say that Taffy was lovely and her Mr. Wiggles was not much to look at, but he did love her and was brave in exposing himself to silicon poisoning, and that is how the entire day went so much it just exhausted me with all the jubilant excitement.
I never did see that Mr. Cherry again, but I did hear over at the Cobbs that he went and married that blind girl of all things as he said she could see things most other folks were missing. I have no idea what that meant and would appreciate it if folks would just stop talking in riddles.
All I know is there are more oatmeal cookies around now, but I ain't no busybody in knowing that or all the things I just happen up to know. I just am me, Ms. Nosey, a woman who knows things.
agtG
my compliments to charles
