Editors note: Even Russian Limbaugh is fed up with talking to those droolers on his program in hour 3....as if all of us were not also
Dear Rush Limbaugh,
My name is Trayvan Marteen. Please do no confuse me with the famous Trayvon Martin, as I am not dead, but am 10 years old and a new fan of Rush Limbaugh, after reading his historical book about the Pilgrins.
My family all voted for Barack Obama several times. I have a sister who is 12 and I call her Sis.
My school had donated the Rush Limbaugh book and I stole it. I brought home the dvd and listened to it and it was really cool. My sister told my parents I was listening to a racist, fascist, woman hating, old white man named Rush Limbaugh.
When they asked me if I was doing this, they made me return it and then gave me Barack Obama books to read for my own good.
I really liked the horse Liberty in the Rush book, and I really liked Rush as I listened to him on my laptop at school while I was supposed to be listening to those stupid teachers.
As Rush said it was great all that liberty stuff, I decided to start my own revolution. I went into guerilla warfare as Pilgins I know did, but as I did not get to finish the book, and went over and scalped my neighbor's Joseph, Mary, Wisemen and Baby Jesus in their nativity scene. I knew they voted for Obama because they had an Obama Biden sticker on their KIA.
I told the police it was a possee of 30 black men who were listening to Obama on their walkmans as they did not listen to Rush Limbaugh.
I decided I needed to retaliate on my family, so I took Mommy's poodle over to the Vietnamese they let into the neighborhood and they ate him. I took my sister's gold fish over to the Chinese who do our laundry and they ate him. I took my Dad's pot plant over to the people who were vegetarians and they smoked it.
I was just starting being inspired by Rush Limbaugh and Liberty. I saw that English were the enemy and as every person speaks English, I decided I was at war with people who talked like that.
I remembered something about a Boston Tea Party and remembered that tea bagging was some kind of Anderson Cooper joke, so I decided that was what I needed to do.
I did not have any tea or bags, so I stole my Mother's tampons and put them into my teacher's drawers, unlocked cars, sofas and locker bags, and for some reason I heard allot of yelling about people trying to explain how all these men had tampons by their boyfriends. I think that there should have be a Boston Tampon Party in the next Rush Limbaugh book as I did pretty good with them.
I decided I needed to worship God like the Pilgrins. I did not know about that God stuff, so when I tried it was boring as all I knew was the Pope waved his hands around and lit candles. I thought that the best way to wave my arms around was to go play video games at my friends house. I forgot the candles and it burned the house down. Our Mexican illegal was in the basement doing laundry and burned up. This revolution stuff made me sad as the Mexican used to bring tacos for lunch and I stole them.
I have tried to wearing out my battery to tell Rush Limbaugh my story at 1 800 282 2882, as he lets on all the people who buy his books to tell their story, but I just get a busy signal. I have burned down my house, scalped Baby Jesus and did something I should not say to a donkey, which I saw on a gay sex video, and I have fed the poor in poodles and fish, and I helped with that illegal problem, but I regret that in I do not get no tacos any more.
Rush Revere is my substitute teacher. I need more guidance as I do not know how else to get on the Limbaugh show to ask. I hear 12 year olds let on all the time, but I do not want to wait two years. I would like Rush to write another book, perhaps he could in tandem write one with his good friend Elton John on the backdoor invasion of America? His good friend Keifer Sutherland from 24 and he could go down under on a mates trip.
I do not have much time left as for some reason the police are here and I am locked in my room. As Rush says he gets spied on by the NSA, I am sure that it was that NSA who turned me in. Us religiously persecuted Pilgrins got to be careful in too many eyes and ears tuned into Rush and tuned into me.
None of this has turned out like in the Rush book and that sucks.
I love Rush Limbaugh!
A dittohead Trayvan Marteen.
