As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
By EMILY WAGSTER PETTUS
JACKSON, Miss. (AP) - Mississippi lawmakers are advancing a proposal to add firing squad, electrocution and gas chamber as execution methods in case a court blocks the use of lethal injection drugs.
Republican Rep. Andy Gipson says House Bill 638 is a response to lawsuits by "liberal, left-wing radicals."
The bill passed the House amid opposition Wednesday, and moves to the Senate.
Lethal injection is Mississippi's only execution method. The state faces lawsuits claiming the drugs it plans to use would violate constitutional prohibitions against cruel and unusual punishment.
Mississippi hasn't been able to acquire the execution drugs it once used, and it last carried out an execution in 2012.
The Death Penalty Information Center says of the 33 states with the death penalty, only Oklahoma and Utah have firing squad as an option.
The wonderful people of Mississippi are advocating for the use of firing squads to execute prisoners, and the Lame Cherry would like to apply for the job on the following terms.
The Lame Cherry offers, Nell. Nell is a 7 barrel gattling gun which fires 45.70 shells.
The terms of Nell are, 6 officers of Mississippi and myself, each choose out of a hat a 45.70 shell. All look like live rounds, but 6 are blanks and 1 is the live round..
Nell is loaded, and the handle cranked by me as official executioner, and Nell being regulated for 15 feet, the execution is accomplished by blowing the heart into pieces, exploding the lungs to mist and shattering the spine on exit.
Clean up of Nell is my responsibility and disposing of the criminal is the State of Mississippi's responsibility.
My fee is 150,000 dollars for the first execution per year, a round trip private jet trip. I will sleep on the jet, but will have farmer's breakfast each morning, rolls for noon, and steak at night, plus one bottle wine of my choice and one bottle cognac of my choice, for the duration of the job.
Mississippi purchases the ammunition.
Thereafter my fee is waved, unless the number is over one dozen, and then it is another 150,000 dollars, but the jet trip, food and wine are repeated. The cognac will last a year, as I am not a drunk.
If this offer does not meet with the State of Mississippi's standards, I offer a Ruger Mark III 22 pistol, loaded with Winchester hollow points, with the addition of a silencer.
Mississippi is provides the hood for the criminal, the ammunition and clean up.
One shot between the eyes, angled downward to obliterate the brain stem, and all is relaxed in one minute.
Fee for this transaction is the same as the above, except it is 150,000 dollars for the first execution of the year, and thereafter 65,000 dollars as that is what it costs to incarcerate a prisoner for one year.
Let me know Mississippi as Nell is the perfect solution to endless appeals.
One more thing, while in Mississippi, I am provided a special designation as Law Enforcement Officer of the State, and if anyone interferes, stalks, threatens, publishes my information, a standing warrant from the Mississippi courts in shoot to kill orders against the perpetrators is effective.
That about covers it.
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