Friday, November 24, 2017

The Ivanka Jungle Cult

Lord Snaildon Small
with the last two prehistoric
Panthera Onca Extremus
The Giant Ice Age Jaguars of America

As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.

This post comes courtesy of Lord Professor Mr. Snaildon Small of thee International Heinrich Hudson Explorers Guild.
Snaildon Small or Slither to his friends and those who have shot tin cups off of terrified native heads as part of ritual nut fruit beer celebrations, desired with all of his essence to have this exclusive posted here.

Slither had been on a savage 1000 day walk through the remote jungle environment of South America in search of the Gopher Tooth Yeti. Not much is known of this extinct creature, except that one Mayan text which Slither translated stated that an 8 foot sloth like creature with gopher teeth, who was said to have been master predator in killing off most ice age creatures, was thought to hibernate in the Kooma Katch Radu Mountains as the Mayan called them.
While not finding the extinct predator which was said to kill mastadons with one bite from it's massive chisel teeth, Slither did discover the Hoota Bo tribe of these same mountains. Hoota Bo is translated as Attractive People, after Slither invested a year in recording their dialect and learning to speak it.

Unfortunately there is no Youtube of this event, only phone messages sent to me with interviews of the natives with snap shots to prove the authenticity of Snaildon Smalls' historic encounter and discovery.
Some may remember that Slither is the explorer who discovered the fur covered termite of Antarctica on his 3rd quest.

What this centers around is this river clay portrait which Slither discovered in the Hoota Bo sacred hut. Slither was fascinated by it, as there was a guard with a blow gun with orders for him to shoot to kill with deadly frog poison if anyone entered. Naturally Slither slipped in the back, violated the sanctuary and took this lone photograph before sneaking back out.

The first message alerted me to Slither's find as he messaged:

LC - Grande discovery - Am with jungle tribe - Just broke into their sanctuary - Found this formed in clay - Looks like Mrs. Kushner does it not? - Must find story - Will send if I survive - Slither!!!

I awaited several days for Slither to find a way to route his messages to me as I had blocked his number, thinking this was like the time he had discovered a new volcanic food, when he instead had found a native's lunch being kept safe from other natives in hidden box work deep inside a secret diamond cave where the diamonds were as big as footballs.

Finally this arrived:

LC - Know the entire story - Will send in installments as there is a taboo in talking to outsiders, having photos taken and revealing the depths of their religious cult origins - Fortunately the deadly fire ant has gone missing and the punishment of being eaten alive by them for revealing the above is on hold - I have told them it was a sign from Koo Koo Boo - Their goddess - That I am their White Brother Ba Ba Slither and meant to learn of their religion - Slither

Ewai koo aak nu. Ewai koo ka nu. Sha naba see wah wah wah, be hoo ho da ka aba.

My name is Chief Monkey Kill. My name is I kill Monkey Chief. I tell you story of Snake Woman Goddess, who Snake God create for Hoota Boo to worship - She is Koo Koo Boo - Goddess of Attractive People.

It was a few days later and this arrived:

LC - Amazing story - Slither

My name is Jaguar Fear - I see Snake God come out of great river - I alert Attractive People - We fight 47 days and nights and kill snake God!!!

Keway et tuba et nana pon ko ho ko be zaza, ut ut, eow eow, put put, da.

Then this came:

I am Goddess Divine - Snailman show me phone - He out killing fish - I am more beautiful than female he show me look like Koo Koo Boo.

Booha boha, ewai koo doo ba bah, ot ut ut ot, toko memu sha.

Then the story continued:

LC - I have acquired Snake God skin - The Attractive People say this is the food of the Gopher Tooth Yeti - Did someone message you from this phone? - Slither

Karinga da see ba, lot otta ka bu, bu ot ot naba wah teetee.

Then this followed ten days later:

LC - Incredible - Jaguar Fear stated in death throws a slime came out of the Snake God as it rolled around - It was then found under it the clay sculpting of Koo Koo Boo - She has now become their cult as a sign from God - This woman confirmed the story - Does it not look like Vank? - Slither

Wa da ba ban koo te taw. Ha ha bot bot woon seeku daba din. Lak lak ha nah be van van coo.

.........and then this and nothing more:

LC - Bit of problem - The exiled shaman has appeared with his worshipers of the Gopher Tooth Yeti - He keeps repeating "WORSHIP THE TEETH" - Publish my discovery ASAP - I give you exclusive rights - Slither

Ing ing sig sing singa woot woot.

That is the last I have heard from Slither, but submit his discovery of the Ivanka Cult, born out of the miracle of a horrific struggle upon the clay shores of the Amazon and worshiped by the Beautiful People of the jungle.

When I hear more from Slither, I will post his further adventure.