Wednesday, April 18, 2018

The Sasquatch Killer

Try to draw blood through this you wild son of a bitch!!!

As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.

I was just checking my blood stained bandages as I decided to post this.........

Oh you do not know about the epic battle of January 16?

Well children, pull up a Mercedes and put the smart phone on mute, as this is a tale for the ages, as it all began on a 10 below zero morning in the brier patch as I was up late and doing chores as efficiently as possible, which meant while the cows drank, instead of standing around in the cold, I go off and do things like burn trash.

See for you civilized folk, rural folk burn things. There is great catharsis in flames and we have lots of things to burn from bail wrappings, to paper towels, to murderous owls to whatever happens to be around that you ask yourself, "I wonder if this chit will burn", so you toss her onto the pile.

So I got the trash out, and made the second carry in the kitchen, not paying attention when I felt this swipe at my glove and it hurt. It was the Puntz on Mom's chair, and I did not pay much attention as I thought it was more play, so I brushed her off and continued on, and next thing I knew I had a cat fight ambush on my back leg.
Now mind you I look like a walking heap or heapette being a popular girl. That means brown duck coveralls so I do not freeze to death, big clomper boots that some dead guy had.....some dead guy had these coveralls and my hooded sweatshirt that says some seed dealer logo on it, and under it are layers, including blue jeans.

That cat ripped the hell out of me. She does not like like hulk coveralls due to the reality that other cats outside like being petted and the Puntz is not into any of that. One whiff of other kitty and it is spritzing the shoes with urine or she dragged these coveralls down a few weeks ago and unloaded what must have been a load of piss she had saved up as it was rank and could have floated Noah's boat.

So the Puntz hates other cats, and hates something worse in big banging things that smell like other cats, whether dying baby calves or me. She has gone cat call and pounded me a few times, but just on the boots, so no harm is done. This time she went through three layers of heavy canvas and I knew she did damage as it hurt, stung and I was bleeding.
Of course I chased her with the broom and that is when the epic battle erupted in her screaming at me in rage, my backing her off, and a big broom puss cat fight, and me needing to get outside and the Puntz chasing me for another round of bloodletting.
This cat is a tailless cat and by that she has about 10% civil domesticated in her, and 90% hell for leather deep woods killer in her. She will not harm a damned vole so I have to trap them, but put me into hulkster clothes and she would have tore my leg off for sport as the Puntz has no fear for the big cats as she is the legendary Sword Fang Cat I so I suppose it is my fault she is death to things that move.

I remember this cute little gremlin looking thing in my one hand, batting at me, wild eyed and looking rabid, and the falling asleep in the next bat. She was cute. I never dreamed this would turn into the savage cat which tried to eat me this morning.

To end this TL pointed the TL finger at the Puntz and mouthed NO, and the Puntz retreated to Mom's bedroom.

Puntz has been having a hard time of it as she got cat food poisoned in September and has been losing hair due to allergies. I state this as she did this damage not running on full tilt. Probably would have ripped a femoral artery out otherwise.

So I got this burning leg, doing chores and finish up, as I am literally contemplating shooting this cat as I can not have something this wild around, but I feed her some bacon, after she hissed at me and I chased her off with a pair of pants I have on the couch as she tries to tear holes in the couch......and I check it and have three major slashes to the meat.
The cold has congealed the blood so I am good, but still nurse it off with alcohol and bandage up as it is deep and it burns for about two hours more.

As all this is taking place I have decided that I am safe from big foot. Big foot comes up in conversations here as George Noury always has that stuff on and I always tell TL when we hear something that it is probably big foot. The reason I am safe from big foot is the Puntz will kill that son of a bitch as the Puntz hates large sized objects anywhere near her. So I have a big foot killer, a sasquatch slayer, an abominable annihilator in the Puntz.

Most people have watch dogs, but I have a watch cat who kills big foots. Oddest thing about this cat is her eyes narrow when she watches birds, but when she watches me and goes gonzo her eyes get huge and wild like a flaming fire and then she comes. She is like a ghost wind in she is not there and then she is there and the first I notice is a playful claw hooking me in the hand.

It is the life of the brier patch. It is of necessity that I have a big foot killer on the premises, as one never knows when those damned trans dimensional rejects will appear and it requires a Sword Fang Cat to slaughter a host of them.
I figure if I get a few, I can smoke them on the trash pile and have a real supply of succulent meat. Maybe I will sell it on Amazon as Lame Cherry Big Foot Jerky..........
Just doing the math in my head.......400 pounds on the wet.....probably 180 in the boned out section.............four big foots would be 720 pounds wet..........360 pounds dry.......I need 500,000 dollars, so that is like 1388.88 cents repeating per stick. Yeah them Orientals out of China would pay that, probably take the whole lot out for cash like they do them bloody deer antlers. Probably lots of erection power in that big foot jerky, just enough to repopulate China after the big aborticide commie plan on babies.

I digress, but now that I am ready for it all, in the Puntz will protect me and I will have market for it all, and by that time my wounds will probably be healed as not many people have a body full of Sword Fang Cat scars to show off, as who needs tattoos when you got a sasquatch killer on the loose.

Nuff Said