As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
In the case study of rats in the maze, I am stunned, even though I know in these end times the love of many will was cold and the horrid emotional shape this country is, how in posting these memorials on mom in what to expect in the things which have to be done and the emotional dichotomy, just how few people read them. Of course it exposes the terror of those who are afraid of death and the reality of just how stone hearted most people are, but in that it is illogical to me to not want to prepare for something which hits all of us. I should say not all of us, as my sisters are AWOL as they were when mom was alive. See they don't want to pay the bills or get stuck doing anything as they have better things to do in telling people what good kids they were.
I am going to address something, which fittingly came from this nice note from J today as I was typing this, as she expresses the background of what I will be trying to say. I appreciate her putting this so perfectly, as my dad was not a nice person, and mom was really in need of intervention which God did.
Dear Lame Cherry, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. My mom is very elderly too just about to turn 90. We know they will pass but it is hard to know just how difficult that will be when it happens. When my dad died I had just lost my most precious cat a week prior and I was just all cried out so I had no tears for him. He was a shit anyway, who just did incredible damage to his children so it was not much of a loss. I don't live near my Mom so I am not involved like you were in her daily care but I can relate to the complicated feelings that come up around their manipulations, spite and negative attitudes that just make it all more difficult and the love one feels for one's parent despite all the tribulations. It is so complicated. Here a small donation to support you through this time. I pray God eases your burdens and lifts your Spirit. You and TL are a Blessing to so many people through your writings. God Bless you and TL in Christ Jesus name and may He keep you safe and supported
I realize some people were stunned when I said I was glad mom was dead. That is not the type of thing society allows to be expressed and it is the thing people think in private, but never verbalize, because they would feel guilty. I though am a brier patch girl who says things, maybe not to most people, but like the other day in the fast food place when the Jewish temple got shot up, I was just watching FOX and they put on this old geezer, and in just assessing the situation, I said without thinking, "Well that was an easy shot". When you deal with shooting predators or are in the military, you just gravitate toward the easy shot. It was not offensive in intent, just a reality statement.
My heart though is glad that mom is dead. I have a number of nice people try to console me in that was the way to go so peacefully and it could not have turned out better. I agreed completely as the alternative would have been hell for us.
I figured that her feet were going to go next. We did not get the shoes back, so I wonder when she complained about her feet hurting if the had broken open from the fluid. Which would have been a God awful mess, and something I would have had to have dealt with and the next step would have been the old folks home, because she would not have been able to walk, and that meant the fluid would have built up, her heart would have weakened more and she would have degraded, and it would have been a slow death, probably with amputation. Surgery would have been brain fog and she never would have come out of that without me.
So God was kind to us in her dying, and I am glad she is dead.
As each day passes I am more so glad she is dead. I do not have any more time, but I am sleeping all night for the first time in a month. I do not have to deal with all the crap she was pulling on us. I do not have TL hurt by the things mom did, so I am not hurt and ripped apart every day.
I will be blunt in this as most people never talk financial, but mom's retirement was way below poverty, at 14,000 dollars a year. Of that 550 dollars came out immediately for insurance and Medicare, so 6600 dollar was gone each year and we were left to scrounge on with 7,400 or about 600 bucks a month, and most of that went to groceries and the electric, with even us subsidizing her, as there was zero help from her other kids.
So when I bitch about needing generous donations from rich people, the fact is now that I do not even have that 6600 to keep the lights on. We just needed a place and everything would have worked out, if she had simply taken care of herself, but when you are influenced by people who hate LC, bad things happen, and we are the ones suffering for it as the rich sit in luxury acting like they have problems.
Mom tried to break TL and I up. She thought that she could wait TL out and TL would leave. It was nasty stuff and while she had the bed for the thoughts, it was empowered by the hate from TL's side of the family. There was a great deal of harmful stuff around here, and that is dissipating with each day of trying to get rid of the problems and hoping for money, to take the step we need for a life.
I am just hoping with the will, which is a lawyer we have to visit by the time you read this, that most of this will be put behind us, and the siblings will not be looking to pick her bones as they were not here in life. It all would have been easier in summer as I hate winter as it depresses me, but with HAARP killing off old people by the bushels, it is just the way it is, and that is why I say I am glad mom is dead. I do not have wear myself out dealing with her, trying to stimulate her, activate her mind, keep her body going and all the care from being there to wipe an ass or several times a night when she needed something.
TL and I were talking about when she told me she loved me, and asked if I loved her. I felt nothing but numbness for all the pain caused, but I was not going to torment her, so I said I loved her. The same when she said she needed a hug. I gave her a hug. Christ says to be good to those who badly use you, so I was, as it had no value in tormenting someone who was helpless. People can be adult about things when stuck in impossible situations.
Was I always charming? Hell no. I could not be, because with this woman if I was nice, she would take a mile and then not do things. I had to be drill sergeant, in ordering her to do things from getting ready to get out of the chair to putting on a blanket. She could do lots of things, but she would wait for me to be waited upon.
Our last walk together was not pleasant. I scolded her for stomping her feet out of the house, as she did not want to go for a walk, but I made her.. Of course then she complained on the way back her feet were sore, so she was reminded she should not have stomped her feet. I was dealing with a 4 year old most days, in having to remember everything for her, and taking things away from her. Like her dentures, her glasses and mint lifesavers so she would not choke laying down. She literally would be taking her teeth out or her glasses off and lose them someplace in the bed, so that routine had to be developed to save me frustration.
I laughed at my brother as he slept in her bed when he was here, and he said, "Geeze there were kleenex all to hell and gone in those cover."
I informed him that was AFTER I had picked up a pile of them, as that was her new hobby in occupying herself in pulling tissues out of the box every time she woke up. As I said she was like a kid in pulling the same chit daily.
In all of this, I remind children that it is ok to think you are glad a parent is dead. No not like my siblings in hoping mom was dead so they would not have phone it in or be asked about her, and they knew nothing, nor glad a parent is dead to get an inheritance. It is ok to be glad a burden is gone, a worry ended, and a chapter closed, whether you like the person or not. It is ok to be relieved as while people do the right thing, no one has the right to suck the life out of another person.
God was merciful to me again in I had two problem parents I had to care for and deal with and God ended the situation and I am grateful to God for that.
Not everyone is gem of a person and being forced to say you miss them is ridiculous. As TL said TL misses the additional person to watch movies with and I miss the information source mom was, but then she was using that as a power hold too, so we will get over not being three and me not having to pry information out of the mother.
It is the way it is, and for those who have carried that thought they were glad their parent died, then I hope my expressing it helps validate them and gives them closure, as only a lunatic would miss wiping butts and being lied to every day.
Nuff Said
agtG
