As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
This post is what this blog calls filler. As my good friend in school once said on reports, you just put in a couple of good sentences and the rest is filler.
I was thinking about me being a spacetaker in this world, and how many times I have wanted to be dead. I have prayed this, yearned for this, willed this, and actually had a gun in my mouth once and what kept me from pulling the trigger is getting into trouble with God.
Such facts may seem startling to some, but that have been my reality for all of this miserable existence. Today is just one which is especially bad and in weighing every option, I can not make things right or ever fix them, so death is the logical conclusion, but death does not come and I am stuck once again bleeding out in the Spirit in another oozing wound which will not heal, but is always there seeping like all the others, and it carries with me all the time.
I was watching an old couple yesterday sitting down, and that wife was hell for scowling. The old boy was crippled up and he seemed nice enough, but she was just unpleasant, never smiled and would not talk. I was always raised to smile and at least pretend, but that old girl was no pretense about her loathing of everything.
I simply can not fathom what a man would marry something like that for as who would get an erection over that and who would want to stay alive with something that purely unpleasant. Yet there they were, he could barely move with a cane and was loading 5 gallon gas cans with fuel, and there she sat on her fat ass literally.
I suppose that was a widow maker really, as she has it worked out she can last the old boy out to the geezer home or get him dead by working him yet. No need for the police investigating that homicide as it was death by wife, as she was hacking away life fillet by fillet every day, until he would be no more.
There are probably allot of murders on the books which are never recorded as murders. Taking advantage of good natured people as you suck the life out of them while sitting on your ass is one. The geezer above in the wife unpleasanting a husband to death, and of course there are the men who make their wives drain away into a coffin spot.
Yes I suppose the person who spreads plague of their mail or coughs on people, is another homicide which never shows up. Like that horrid thing in Subway keeping flies as pets on the food there.
I always sort of admired people who could will themselves to death. See that allot in old folks homes as they go in and just die. I would think it would be better to do it outside the home, but then the world is a place where people like hanging onto life. Then again, most people do not have a shitty life like I have and stand around pretending like Mary Sunshine lying to myself as I try to cheer other people up.
I do get surprised though in having good moments which make me smile, like a hen turkey with your brood this morning, but for every moment I get one hell of a surprise slap down in things not going good for my daring to believe that life is not all bad.
He neutral now is I am going to go make English Muffins. Is what I do is work to take my mind off of things and allow the Spiritual wounds to stop oozing pain. It leads me fool myself if I work harder that things will fix as I lie to myself. Time heals no wounds. It just allows you to forget about them and not be so sore any more.
I had as most fools, believed if I worked hard, behaved myself, trusted in the Lord that things would work out. Well it does not work out for everyone, as the devil is there doing ten things past Tuesday to keep you in that hole. The human is not built for the long term in this and break points come and today was again another break point in my wanting to be dead.
Perhaps others who think the popular girl has such a great life will feel so not alone, but I have never figured that misery loves company in it never does me any good knowing some poor bitch is going septic.
I was reading an obituary this past week and Lord God that woman who was in her 30's had shit for an unfair life. It went something like she graduated school, went to college and graduated, went to Asia for further study, got married, and then came two miscarriages, then came brain cancer, and her poor bastard husband had been burying parents and God knows what all. That was one Job kick in the ass couple worse than Job as she never got shit out of the deal like he did in the end.
Is a real shitter when you have to think, "Well at least the babies died as at least they were not orphans.".
I just don't figure that is a positive in the long run.
Odd how with me, there is no comfort in knowing this woman's story as it was bad, but there is comfort in my being sorrowful that she had such a crapper time of it in she did everything right and she got ploughed under in about 6 years.
Caring about other unfortunates in knowing acknowledging the unfairness and wanting better for them for me is the only semblance of an anecdote to lessen the death that looks more attractive all the time.
So here am I, now about someone else in compassion, instead of me, and knowing I have to go do muffins which I do not care to eat ever, but that is what life is for most people in it sucks shit, and you will yourself to put a foot forward, cringing to know the next wham is going to go deep and start the process all over again.
The Holy Ghost whispers that I must be getting close to the prize or else satan would not be hammering me in vulnerable spots all day. Whatever the reason, I still got to move forward no matter how I feel as suicide is not an option and I can't bring on death. So it is more reeling from the blows today and wondering if the prize of a home will ever manifest or if it will be my corpse with that radioactive glow to it before Jesus returns as that is the constant in my existence in I get obliterated, stagger and then fool myself that things are not so bad and here comes the next bedtime in more misery tucked into dreams as why should I have peace in my bed for just obeying God's Commandments.
Nuff Said
Now for one of the songs I hate most by Phil Collins another English Muffin.
Phil Collins - I Don't Care Anymore (Official Music ... - YouTube
"I Don't Care Anymore" was released by Phil Collins in 1983 and is the lead single from his second solo album "Hello, I Must Be Going!". PHIL US TICKETS ON S...
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