You even lied in your obituary, and were whoring for attention after
you were dead.......I know what is wrong with you, but do you?
As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
The following needs to said concerning obituary etiquette.
There are very few people in this world who are characters, even in the Brier Patch, who can pull off in death a smart ass obituary. The first thing is, you have to be a good natured smart ass, that almost everyone likes, in you did good things and people never did take you too serious, unless it was the time to be serious, then they knew that they could trust you.
We have all read smart ass obits and enjoyed them as they were intended. We had one here for a kid who scrambled his brain on the pavement. He could be a smart ass in death, because people liked all of his family and never took life that serious, except in what matters.
Others read those obits and think, "Yeah, I'm going to really get more attention after I die, because I was a limelight whore when I was alive".
We had an old man like that too. His obit was not funny. It was cliche. It was dated and no one did anything but roll their eyes at this rich asshole, who most people were glad to see was dead and gone, as he made his mark in things and places he could get his name attached to charity.......not in people like the brain scrambler.
So here is the thing, most people do not know how to write a good obituary, so instead of stating do not do what Jimmy Carter and his tasteless family do, here is what people want in an obit.
Liquid Soap died peacefully, May 6th at her home. (If she died of a heart attack, died of cancer, died of whatever, tell the people as that is what they want to know, what the person died from and where.)
Burial will be at 4th Disunited Methodists on May 9th. A three hour viewing will take place at Happy Days Funeral home from 5 until 8 pm on the 8th, and one hour prior to the service.
Liquid Soap was born on March 8th, 1957, to Bob and Hilda (Smith) Westerling. She attended school at Stalin where she graduated in 1965 and went on to continue her education at the Stalin Votech where she earned a degree in being a Chef.
She married Handy Soap on June 5th, 1970, where they opened up the bakery in town and managed that for 50 years until ill health of Handy, had them turn their business over to their son, Soft.
Liquid was a devout member of the various Methodist religions, when they were not preaching sodomy.
Left to cherish Liquid's memory are, her son Soft (Jeri) of this city, her daughters Diane (Jim) Cummings, Chicago, and Beth Soap of St. Louis.
Liquid as preceded in death by her husband Handy, her parents and her in laws, Melborne and Matilda Soap
People do not want to read about how much Goddamn mischief you got into in propping yourself as something big in joining every group and charity. They do not want to hear how wonderful you are, as I guarantee that a dozen people reading that obit will be glad you are dead and say, "Good riddance to that son of a bitch". Lastly, no one wants to hear about your special friends, your pet cat, or child's homosexual sex mate that is going to hell.
It is kind of short, but that is about what the mother got in her obit, as I was not going to tell the Truth about her and I had more shit to deal with in being left alone and with all the bills with TL, by my thoughtful siblings.
So spare everyone the bullshit. You can be fire chief, defy your parents, belong to the NEA, but none of that shit is going to matter before Christ in Judging your ass. If you wanted people to love and remember you, you should have invested in people in your life, not in suckering waif children or spouses into clinging to your memory and forcing that shit on other people.
...and if that person hurt your feelings, don't be an SOB and put that into the obit as your butt hurt. You will look like a fool and everyone will say it.
Most people come for the free eats. Most people come because they figure if they don't that other people will think bad of them and not come to their fake eulogy. That is not much of a gathering, but those are the facts.
So tell people who died, where and how, unless it something disgusting like having a gerbil eat your homosexual rectum out........well tell that as normal people will enjoy that an figure you got the rancid ass end you deserved for being a perv. Tell them who it was that suffered in being around you in not being able to deny that. Tell people what you did, but keep it short as 100 other people thought you were a real asshole and are saying it. Tell people who survives you, where they live and then tell about those you sent off before you joined them.
Pretty simple stuff. The rest is lies and shit no one wants to hear. If you want to do that shit, get a bottle of booze, pass it around with the tortured and talk about things for catharsis, but don't be bothering other people with the lies.
That covers it and it just shows how absolutely whorish people are degrading themselves to in a cell phone stage. People used to have some kind of fear and respect of the dead, probably from smelling them rot in the house parlor for too long. Now it is all about trying to make people believe that you mattered or that you were a good soul.
Jesus knows what, here am I. He got it recorded in what I did wrong and what I did right. No sense in lying about it in print. If I die, I plan to be buried by a rock pile that our old bull once died on as the fact is once a few years pass no one is going to remember or give a damn, so why set up a carved stone that no one will give a damn about.
I'm only concerned about what Jesus says about me. Everyone should have that focus.
Nuff Said
agtG
