Thursday, November 17, 2016

The Art of Stupid People Looking Smart

As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.

The internet has just taken all the pleasure out of life.

Let me explain this in there used to be an artform for stupid people to pretend they were smart, and the really stupid people learned to smart their way through in life. Now with the internet, there is the delete button to get rid of stupid people, although I see people with 500 stupid people in their friend's lists, as some people like collecting stupid people, but other than that, all that is left is for stupid people to steal stuff from the Lame Cherry and repost it as their smart stuff and wow all the other stupid people with my smarts from God.

I will apologize that to the hordes of stupid people online, that I can not help it if stupid people steal my stuff and repost it as their stuff, and you are too stupid to know the difference between plagiarists cutting and pasting my stuff, online, on the radio, on television, in print and in politics, as there just is no red flashing light in such things.
It should just be obvious that Lame Cherry is the smart girl in the thought, because these stupid people you are following, say nothing but stupid things 100% of the other time.

In that I will avail to help you though when you are offline, as that is where you need your most help in being perceived in not being stupid. I warn you though do not try this stuff if Homeland shows up to interview you, or they will think you know what you are doing, and you will be declared the genius behind some vast conspiracy to overthrow the police state and end up in prison for 100 years to life.

The first thing you will need if you are a woman is a pair of fingernails if you are young and a spatula if you are old.

See it goes like this, there you are at work, and your boss asks who is going to volunteer to working 500 hours that night, so the pretty girl can go have sex with the boss and get a salad out of the deal.
Most people panic, rifle through papers, try to hide, or start saying they are busy, which gives an opening to the boss to say, "Glad you volunteered".

See that is what stupid people do who tell everyone they are so smart.

I know you are stupid, so that is what I am here for, in helping you look smart.

So the boss says, "Who is going to volunteer?", but you just stretch your hand out and start admiring your nails. You study them like they are the Dead Sea Scrolls and your eternal Life depends on them.

You look up to the left and never make eye contact with the boss, as your thoughts are far too superior, and then you look down at your nails, and study them, and look up to the right.

If you get the direct stare and questions, you just purse your lips and look at your other nails in thoughtful study.

If it comes down to it, you compare both your hands to study their nails, as this has been going on now for at least 5 minutes and others will have broken......if it is just you, your study, your thoughtfulness and your loftiness will convince the boss you are a genius and you will probably be running the company within the year.

It is ok if you are a plumper Auntie type too, as a spatula works as good as fingernails.

So you get some preacher asking you to volunteer to breast feed 5000 refugees or cooking for the bake sale 5 loaves and 7 fishes for the charity event for the 5000 refugees, and you just whip out your spatula and start admiring it. You look down it's edge, look at it in the light, study it as you bend it, and look thoughtful and knowingly about it.

You never talk of course, as talking gets you into trouble in revealing how stupid you are, as some preacher always ignores your protests and says, "I'll put you down for 10 loaves and 14 fishes then".

Nope, never say a word, never nod, just keep that spatula around like it is the Holy Grail, and you will bluff your way out anything. If you are good at it, in being single, you will find that numbers of men end up getting married to women with spatulas in not knowing how the hell that state of affairs happened.

If you are a male, the nail looking and spatula stuff, does not work so good, not even in the Obama age of freaks and pervs of transvestites, as it just looks weak in men, twirling spatulas and studying nails.

The male has to get himself a pipe and a bag of tobacco. It is important in the pipe stuff that you do not get yourself some pansy long stem thing or some straight thing that looks unimposing.
No for a pipe to prove you are not stupid as you look, you need to get yourself a curved pipe with some carving on it. No not some gargoyle as people think you are nut like people with tats. You need some lion head, so it gives your antagonist boss something to look at and be impressed as you are busy looking right and the left thoughtfully.

The first sign of questioning trouble to show you stupid, you just get your pipe out and follow the rituals. Rituals are really important in not looking stupid.

First you get your pipe out, of the pocket that you caught fire yesterday, because you stupidly put your lit pipe into it.
You look inside it, study it for some time, tap it on your knuckle, look at it again, study it, and them contemplate it is a pipe.

Never mind if you are being asked questions, as you can not hear them, being lost in your genius of thought.

So you get your tobacco pouch out. Preferably it has writing on it, and you can invest time studying it, and taking as long to read it as an encyclopedia.

You then smell your pouch when it is opened. You look inside and study it, shake it a bit expertly, and then take out a pinch and expertly fill your pipe. Poking in your finger and then refilling, then sniffing, studying, and filling, until it is time to get out your match.

I realize many people use lighters, but there is nothing like some big ass grill match torch, sending sparks and flame, blinding all onlookers to prove how genius you are to play with fire, as it offsets the impression of your burned pocket, which has people assume you are a dumb ass, they can con you into anything that other stupid people are too smart to wiggle out of.

So you light your pipe and puff, and study the smoke, still being deaf to the boss or whoever it is, and by that time 20 minutes before some sucker was stuck doing the job you were thought stupid enough to con to do.

The thing is, your genius will proceed you. If you get your pipe out, your spatula or your nails before a real event occurs, and wow people with how much you contemplate things, they will naturally conclude you are the genius and be promoting you or marrying you, and you will never get the question for the stupid people in the first place.

I realize the importance of all of this, as we have all witnessed Hillary Clinton in the debates, in the woman can not keep her mouth shut saying stupid things, is standing their holding onto her podium for life wide eyed stupid, or is bracing herself smiling stupidly, and never looks at her nails or gets her spatula out to study in attracting some new lesbian to wed.

As you now know, the internet has robbed stupid people of their right to look smart. Stupid people are out of practice in always being online or tweeting or texting, practing their stupidity and showing everyone how stupd they are.

No, stupid people need to know how to look smart, as we all can not be like Donald Trump in being a genius. This is the great secret of the stupid people who  people think are smart. You simply never say anything, and instead look like there is something in your skull that is contemplating something which others can not fathom.

Now you know the secret.......and no I do not own a spatula or a pipe, and I do not have time to look at my nails.