Lame Cherry: To Hill With It

American Hero Daniel Harvey Hill

As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.

In the American Civil War, the modern reconstruction of it desires to mourn in slavery and forget the Americans involved in it. Numbers of you probably have heard of AP Hill or General Ambrose Powell Hill jr., who was one of General Lee's favorite Generals under Stonewall Jackson and after Stonewall's death, but there was another Hill, designated as DH Hill to not confuse him with AP, who was one of America's preeminent wags, to use a term from the era.

DH Hill was the finest of Generals, but began life in military academy as one of the best satirists alive, for he published his own book of mathematics, as a satirical expose' upon the Northern money interests who were the real enslavers of Americans, and are to this day.

Here are a few Algebra problems from DH Hill's masterpiece. Keep in mind, this is before Bill Maher and the deluge of modern genius building on the past, because DH Hill created this in his own comedic genius.

The field of battle at Buena Vista is 6½ miles from Saltillo. Two Indiana volunteers ran away from the field of battle at the same time; one ran half a mile per hour faster than the other, and reached Saltillo 5 minutes and 54 6/11 seconds sooner than the other. Required their respective rates of travel. Ans. 6, and 5½ miles per hour. (Elements of Algebra, page 322.)

A man in Cincinnati purchased 10,000 pounds of bad pork, at 1 cent per pound, and paid so much per pound to put it through a chemical process, by which it would appear sound, and then sold it at an advanced price, clearing $450 by the fraud. The price at which he sold the pork per pound, multiplied by the cost per pound of the chemical process, was 3 cents. Required the price at which he sold it, and the cost of the chemical process. Ans. He sold it at 6 cents per pound, and the cost of the process was ½ cent per pound. (Elements of Algebra, page 321.)

In the year 1692, the people of Massachusetts executed, imprisoned, or privately persecuted 469 persons, of both sexes, and all ages, for alleged crime of witchcraft. Of these, twice as many were privately persecuted as were imprisoned, and 7 17/19 times as many more were imprisoned than were executed. Required the number of sufferers of each kind? Answer. 19 executed, 150 imprisoned, and 300 privately persecuted.

At the Women's Rights Convention, held at Syracuse, New York, composed of 150 delegates, the old maids, childless-wives, and bedlamites were to each other as the number 5, 7, and 3. How many were there of each class? Answer. 50, 70, and 30.

For someone like myself who has loathed Algebraic story problems, DH Hill's satire is perfect and has been repeated here in earlier posts.

Stonewall Jackson was DH Hill's brother in law, and General Joseph Johnston was his lifelong friend. In contrast, Hill who suffered no one had enough disagreements with Robert E. Lee and Braxton Bragg, that he was marginalized in the latter part of the war when the South needed his abilities most.

It was at the Battle of Chickamauga that Bragg's failure to follow up that bloody victory which caused AP Hill whose forces suffered the worst, to criticize Bragg. Jefferson Davis intervened and reorganized the Tennessee Army, leaving AP Hill out and refused to appoint him to command.
He would be with General Johnston at the surrender commanding a small force in Carolina.

DH Hill was a most proficient writer and after the Civil War was a most successful publisher. His works are for all time and reflect the wonderful nature of this most religious and devout man, with the driest sense of humor.

Works by Daniel Harvey Hill in chronological order

College Discipline: An Inaugural Address Delivered at Davidson College, N.C., on the 28th February, 1855. [n. p.: n. p.], 1855. 19 p.; 23 cm. OCLC 7195350

Elements of Algebra. Philadelphia, PA: J.B. Lippincott, [1857], 1859. xii, [13]-507 p. tables 22 cm. OCLC 19591232 Elements of Algebra by Maj. D. H. Hill. Google Books pdf of the complete 1857 edition.

A Consideration of the Sermon on the Mount. Philadelphia, PA: W. S. & A. Martien, 1858, 1859. 3 p.l., [5]-282 p. 19 cm. OCLC 7195011 e-Book version Ann Arbor, Mich.: Making of America, 2000. OCLC 612157953

The Crucifixion of Christ. Philadelphia, PA: W.S. & A. Martien, 1859. 345 p. 20 cm. OCLC 4392161

Remarks of Major D. H. Hill of the N.C. Military Institute at Charlotte, before the Committee on Education of the North Carolina Legislature. [North Carolina: n. p., 1860?]. 1 sheet ([1] p.) ; 49 x 30 cm. OCLC 41374540

Gen. Hill founded and edited The Land We Love: A Monthly Magazine Devoted to Literature, Military History, and Agriculture. 6 vols. Charlotte, NC: J.P. Irwin & D.H. Hill, 1866-1869. Sabin No. 38821. This magazine merged with The New Eclectic Magazine of Baltimore, MD. Subsequently, it was called The Southern Magazine. OCLC 752793193 OCLC Record Containing Contents List for Issues of The Land We Love.

The Old South: An Address Delivered by Lieutenant-General D.H. Hill, at Ford's Grand Opera House, on Memorial Day, June 6, 1887, before the Society of the Army and Navy of the Confederate States in the State of Maryland. Baltimore, MD: Andrew J. Conlon, 1887. 23 p. ; 23 cm. OCLC 5315299

In that, we close with DH Hill's mathematics again, in exposing in satire that there were in America far more charitable persons in the South seeking to liberate slaves with their own finances, while those in the North funded themselves with rhetoric at other people's expense.

A gentleman in Richmond expressed a willingness to liberate his slave, valued at $1000, upon the receipt of that sum from charitable persons. He received contributions from 24 persons; and of these there were 14/19ths fewer from the North than the South, and the average donation of the former was 4/5ths smaller than that of the latter. What was the entire amount given by the latter? Answer. $50 by the former; $950 by the latter.