Saturday, July 14, 2018
Speaking Snowflake English
As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
I want to school with Chuck the dumbass, as his sister is married to the prick who said he would sell me my grandfather's place and then when I was ready to write the check out, they decided that they had not discussed it and were not selling.
Chuck factors into this story later, so remember him as the punchline.
So today I went into ACE hardware which sends me coupons, but the problem with ACE is they raise their prices 5 bucks on everything that a 10 dollar coupon is still costing you 5 bucks. This is the preface of the story and now comes the story.
So we enter the store and I am looking for a fork handle for a potato fork. Pretty simple stuff as I asked the young guy who greeted us for what I needed. He though was dumbfounded. Shook his head, and then said, "You mean like mashed potatoes?"
Nom de Deus, TL was more patient, but I am thinking how stupid is this kid, and as I saw farm implements hanging on the back wall, I said, "I will show you what I need in a replacement handle", and away we all went.
There were no potato forks there though, and the kid was still trying to figure out if he had a potato fork among the shovels, when I said, "It is a fork, like a pitch fork. Do you know what that is?"
So he sallies on over about 20 feet away as I find the handle I need, and he starts pulling out pitch fork handles asking me if that is what I want. He is not paying any attention to what I have in my hand which is a D handle, and is looking through is pitch fork handles yet, and I am already pissed off as this handle is 20 dollars.
So I say I got it and he asks if he can help more, and I say I need some netting, which draws another blank. I explain I need some bird netting, to keep birds out of the berries. He leads us over to woven wire assortments and I am saying that is not it, so off he goes and we follow and then the light goes off as he finds netting in the store.
I am muttering to TL that I would like to help him with this fork handle to the head to do the world a favor. TL is diplomatic and says, at least he is trying. I am surprised the dim bulb does not get lost in the store as he knows where nothing is.
Really pleased here too as a big bag is marked 10 bucks, and the small bird netting is marked 8, so I get the big bag, but it rings up to 20 bucks.
So next I tell him I need turpentine. Again zero comprehension and is looking for an explanation of what this exotic thing is. Grasping with trying to deal with a mentally retrograde snowflake, I blurt out, PAINT, and off he goes, as TL was trying to explain what it was, which was telling a Neanderthal about laptops.
So we get over there and there it is, and he is quite pleased, and asks if he can help and I tell him no, so off he goes, and I am thinking, "I hope he is not the one going to be ringing up these sales", as it should be a real experience.
He starts talking to some old bat who has a shopping cart, and apparently was just wheeling it around as she parks it and strolls out of the store, and then he zeroes in on the cash register and I think this has got to be the punchline.
He honestly knows how to work a laser pointer though, asks for my card and says if I don't have my card he can look it up by phone number and then when I think the price will be 60 bucks, it is 70 and I am back to 60 after the 10 dollar off coupon.
TL thinks we helped him find things in a store to be a better employee. I think I should have used the fork handle and saved the world a Darwin candidate.
So we leave, and out strolls Chuck, you remember him, the asstard I went to school with, and as we got out of the store, the first thing I told TL was, "You know you are in trouble in a store when Chuck is the guy with the brains".
I honestly do not know if this was the owners kid, as I like the owner. My family has known his family for a generation, but why in God's green earth you would ever hire something this Bruce Chilton vacuous, I can not fathom. I mean it was over noon hour, so the main staff was probably gone, but to leave the store with fat girl behind a kiosk refusing to move or do work, and Chuck hiding out in the back room masturbating to Mr. Plumber, and this kid who could not find his ass with both hands, is a sure diagnosis for economic bankruptcy.
How a person can go through life and not see PBS gardening shows with potato forks, hear a reference for turpentine just in conversation or know that birds eat fruit so they make netting for that, as you are in a store wandering around and they have signs saying BIRD NETTING, cans with TURPENTINE on them and at least .......never mind as this is what is the face of children of the world after Birther Hussein.
This kid must have spent his entire life on a couch, texting and eating Cheetos, while drinking aspartame by the gallon. His routine was being fed, shitting, showering, going to school and then sitting on a couch, while not paying attention to a thing in the world.
I half expect if I would have said to him, "Hey there is a full moon in the sky," he would have looked vacuous and wanted me to explain what the moon was.
My adventures in the brier patch continue and once again you have a front row seat, but the thing is you have these same Darwin children infesting your gene pools too. It was so much better when wolves and lions ate children like this who were too dumb to not stay out of the predator's mouth.