Monday, December 19, 2016
An Elmer Fudd Kind of Trade
As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
Dear Mr. McManus,
As I do not believe you are dead yet, I hope this letter finds you in good health.
A few months ago I acquired your tri volume work of all your wisdom and have been suffering........reading through it, and I am now at Tenner Shoes, and am reaching the conclusion that I have wasted my time, due to the fact there is a story not included about you and your friends Al and Retch, testing out Retch's new pickup. I feel that in good conscience, I trusted the only short story you have ever written which was good and am deprived of it, that the 80 cents I invested has been wasted.
I realize that books of wisdom for 80 cents are very rare, but all the same, not having the one story or thinking I do not have the one story, is leaving me feeling cheated.
Therefore I would like to return you book of wisdom, it is the one with the ugly cartoon guy on it. If it is you, I apologize, as I am certain near sighted people find you attractive, as do other dogs as they like canines with big ears.
In this though, my 80 cents has sort of inflated in time invested in reading this, but the real value is the discovery of this book has been soaked in Sword Fang Cat urine, as being the only Sword Fang Cat expert in the world, I can assure you that it is a prehistoric animal that somehow survived the warm age from the ice age, and not a book which appears someone dropped it into the toilet or a dog actually relieved himself on it.
In addition, Mr. McManus, I found on a certain page an Neanderthal fingerprint, as I have told this story of what happened was this book no doubt was left out on the picnic table, and during the night a Sword Fang Cat prowled by, scared the occupant campers, and urinated on the book, marking it as it's territory, and moving along, and sometime around dawn, a traveling Neanderthal, hunting Sword Fangs, picked up the wet book, after examining the campfire, getting ash on his......her fingerprint, and upon examining the book for sign, sat it back down.
I also am a Neanderthal expert in fingerprints and cave rituals.
So as you can see this artifact has real value in more than 80 cents in me suffering....reading through your wisdom, as it has genuine Sword Fang Cat urine on it, proving this species is still in the world and no doubt will provide a Smithsonian expedition for it, perhaps by image Obama now that the image is unemployed, and of course the reality of a female Neanderthal huntress print on one page, that the value of this is appreciable to maybe 1.19, but as I will be happy to autograph it, the value I estimate would be something like a few of your guns and some of your fishing equipment.
In stalking you, I have found you have like 4 females, who of course have no affinity with the outdoors, and I see it as a favor to them and to you, that when you do go gambrel ready, that it will be easier for them to throw you out with a book, rather than a gun vault of guns and fly rods.
The book having value as it is signed by the greatest blogger since Abraham Lincoln, will of course tide your family over with a fortune, unless of course you trade now, and take the book and put it up for auction.
I like 16 gauges, duck boats, 30 30 lever actions and garcia reels. I do not know about flyrods, as I have never had the experience, as I think trout are sissy fish, although they are pretty, I never have been fond of eating the flavor of pretty, but crappie does appeal to me.
With that, I think that is about it. I apologize for the public letter, but like most writers, you are hiding out like good for nothing publishers and editors with attitudes, who refuse to put into print letters from readers or even not genetically connected to the arms trade stories. It is just the way it is, and I am sure you will enjoy trading back your book, now that it has prehistoric cat pee on it and ancient Neanderthal fingerprints, as much as the real value of my autograph.
PS for another few additions of like traps, I would be happy to add, To my friend Pat.