Sunday, December 25, 2016

Journey to the Center of Pulp

As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.

I begin this journal on December 12th, as it is every expedition's leader's responsibility to record for posterity the trails and burdens of such a grueling undertaking. As Lewis and Clarke had conquered the West, Pike his peak, Carson and Fremont annexed California, Byrd the poles, Roosevelt the Amazon, Shepherd the moon, all that was left was reading Pat McManus' book, the combined trilogy of wisdom.

I report that after months of exhaustive exploration from wisdom, that I have finished the book, before it finished me.

What comes to mind are two things:

Thing 1, I hope that the black fungus on the book which was wet, and looks like toilet bowl fungus, does not infect me with some Mexican invader disease as it was really black and menacing looking.

Thing 2, I used toilet paper markers to keep track of my compass bearings and upon completion, being green minded, I made use of the marker, as even though using the book came to mind, I cringed upon the thought of using toilet paper that came into contact with deadly fungus, to kill bugs. I am not cruel in wanting bugs to catch deadly McManus fungus before they are crushed to death.

Upon my memory, I do not remember a thing I read. I did catalogue that I did laugh 6 times, or something in that realm. Sometimes it could be mistaken for gasping at asthma mould, but I feel fortunate in not being burdened by the heavy weight of wisdom on this long journey, as the trek was much easier to endure.

I feel almost like Roosevelt now in it was nothing in almost dying in the Amazon, almost nothing in Indians almost killing Lewis and Clarke, almost nothing in Mexicans murdering Carson and Fremont, almost nothing at all in deadly gamma rays killing Shepherd on the moon...........but now that I examine this again, none of the above explorers faced anything like I did in this book. There was McManus attempting to bore me to death, I could have fallen asleep and drown in the toilet, Puntz the kitty could have eaten me as she kept looking at me in why I was reading that leafy tree with colored bark cover, and then there was that deadly fungus lurking to mold me to some genetic monster.
Honestly, I have endured more than all the explorers combined. I would have laughed at falling off the edge of the earth and sneered being sacrificed to cannibals, compared to this McManus book.

I now await for the Smithsonian Institution to create an exhibit on my expedition. I conclude that National Geographic will feature me in magazine and special documentary. President Trump will award me the Freedom Medal, Congress the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Committee the Prize for Scientific Expeditions.

Nothing though in the honors which will come compares to the fact that I have a book which was soaked in Sword Fang Cat urine, and has a genuine female hunter Neanderthal sooty fingerprint on one page. I will not go into detail on these artifacts as they are covered in detail in other sections.
It is simply the 21st century miracle in the Lame Cherry, esquire La'me Cherry, has embarked upon the greatest expedition in the modern era, survived it, brought back prehistoric and ancient artifacts and now holds the title of the Greatest Explorer in global history.

Yes let some women crawl to  try and be President and let some men try to swim oceans, as nothing compares to the Lame Cherry 21st Century Expedition to the Wholly Grail of cellulose discovery, dealing with deadly toxins, discovering Sword Fang Cats, bringing home urine samples and documenting Neandertahl fingerprints with proof, and doing it all for the complete expedition price of 80 cents, American coin.

Granted, I believe I spent 95 cents too much on this book, and granted I know I wasted too many days traversing this forbidden zone, but joining the greatest explorers in history, and for that matter becoming the greatest explorer in world history, is something some are called to do.

Who knows, perhaps some little Republican girl, striving to become a lying democrat, will be like Hillary Clinton and claim she was named Larry after me, three years before I became an even greater international star, will someday arise to the democratic presidential nomination, and be thrashed by Donald Trump jr's, little girl for the Presidency. It is just so mind boggling how I have made history and no doubt will change history now for generations to come.

Yes some British can clumb Mt. Everest, but I have done a far, far better thing I do. I have braved the wilds and jungles of pulp, surviving more diseases than the Amazon, discovered long extinct species of feline and humanoid, and returned to once again give America, a true heroine, in this new Trump heroic age.

Nuff Said