Lame Cherry: A Sit Down With Sulu

As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.

Few people know the real story of George Takei. Yes they know the public rantings, the Treker version and the flowery autobiography, but the fact is the Asian race would still be in the rice paddy if not for George Takei, who is like the Einstein of the non Occidental, the Confucius of this age, so as is often the case, we were just out to lunch and who should sit down, but George Takei, who of course claimed not to be George Takei, but we recognized this Darwin theory in motion as the real deal, and he began to tell us his real life story, in this exclusive, Sit Down With Sulu.

Thank you George for agreeing to this interview.

Sulu: I told you I am not that fag lunatic George Takei, but call me Sulu as I got my tuna noodle bake coming in a few minutes, so ask away.

Did anyone ever tell you that when you are waiting for tuna noodle bake, that you look a great deal like Keneau Reeves?

Sulu: Keneua is my son actually. Well not my son, but I leaked my sperm to conception, and that sperm did the rest. If it was not for me, Keneau would be on the fishing nets in Tokyo Bay, doing a tuna a day wage.

You are Keneua Reeves sperm donor?

Sulu: Yes and about every Asian that amounted to anything from..........I don't know all their names. Just trust me I am the missing link and all Asia owes everything to me.

Can we turn to.......say with sunglasses on you look different. Sort of like Yoko Ono. Did anyone ever tell you that.

Sulu: Yes John Lennon did all the time as I am the real Yoko. See I met John and he made me an offer to get naked, screw, and lay in bed all day and not bathe. After Star Trek and the Jew clean freak Shatner, that was just something that I could not turn down. So I became Mrs. Beatles and stuffed a pillow down my kimono, told John I was pregnant and stole some kid off the plantation who looked like John.

William Shatner calls you nuts among other things.

Sulu: See it is like this. Star Trek would have been nothing without me carrying that show for 3 years. Shatner was over the top. People fell asleep with Nimoy. No one wanted to see Nichols and that Canadian Doohan and Southerner Kelley were just boring. The highest ratings they ever had was when I was trying to rape Uhurha and I was bare chested trying to stick my sword into places. I could have saved that show if they would have just called it Sulu Trek.

Moving on, you are a great activist........

Sulu: Ghandi was my father.

Ghandi was you father?

Sulu: Yes he liked anal. Indians like anal, lots of anal, and he missed the hole on the comfort that mum was giving him, and I popped out 9 months later. All great things in life begin with anal. I can not say enough about it. The Ganges is one big anal stream.
Ghandi and I used to bathe in the Ganges. It is where I got started on the anal thing, as everything smells like it, and it won't wash off, so the choice was I could be Indian, and I would rather be dead, so I chose anal as a way of life.

Ummmm, about your activism. Could you tell us.........

Sulu: Oh you don't think I'm homosexual? Let me rip off my shirt here while the tuna noodle comes, and you can just see that I am a fag.

OK, ummmm, your shirt is in the tuna noodle.

Sulu: See the reason I went gay is I ran out of women. I nailed every woman on the planet worth laying. It was like 47 billion, and I just had to move on.

I thought you said you went sodomite because the Ganges smelled that way.

Sulu: Ganges, 38 billion, what does it matter. I am just telling you I am gay and the reason I am is not because no Japanese woman ever wanted me back after they had the Sulu.

Do you think you could put your shirt back on, as the tuna noodle is all over the place.

Sulu: Just a second, let me take a selfie as I show you what tuna noodle is really good for.

Thank you for that insight. If we might get back to your activism in it's meaning to the global left please.

Sulu: Sure, sure. Got to let the tuna noodle do it's work after all. Now that activism. I want to say I never set out to be an activist in my life. People just gravitate toward me. Put some make up on me, and people think I am the Dalai Lama.

Could you tell us what your activism focuses on which looks like the Dalai Lama.

Sulu: It is the anal stuff. The Dalia is big on anal. Order some rice and you get side dish of anal. Meet with Obama and he gives you the back door. All religion is about anal. You know they play with balls in every sport and not vaginas there. It is just a message. It is not pussyball, but balls all around.

What about badminton?

Sulu: Ever heard of a shuttlecock? It is all sports and I will inform you that I had to invent women's sports, or I would have been drained of all bodily fluids, as I had to give them something to play with as my balls simply could not take it.

I thought that you said you slept with 47 or 38 billion women?

Sulu: I sleep with billions of women every night. I go to bed. They go to their beds. It is all just like sex and we get up in the morning.

Could you tell us what it is like being an Asian.

Sulu: Look you have to understand there is Sulu, and then there are these other things. I mean those Chinese just are not into anal. No nation can ever get ahead if they are not into anal, and none of these things who do not measure up to me are every going to amount to anything. Japan lost the war because they were not into anal. The British were big into anal and that is why the conquered India. The Dutch bent then Indo over like the French, but then they just stopped going Ganges, and all of them lost their empires.

So you have a list or a ranking of Asians?

Sulu: Sure I do. There is Sulu on top, and then like those Boogey, and then the Kenyans.

The Kenyans? They are in Africa.

Sulu: Sure they are and Africa used to be part of the Eurasian continent and they are really into anal, as Obama was.

Kenya is in Asia and they are a dominant nation in the world, because they are into anal?

Sulu: Sure, that is what I am most worried about are them Kenyans, and that is why I am leading the charge to get anal into America, as we need to offset the anal of Kenya overtaking the world. That is why Obama was so important, but he was just one bi sexual and bi racial.

Obama was bi racial?

Sulu: Sure he was an Asian, and whatever else he was, it doesn't matter as nothing matters except the Mongoloid part.

If we could change the subject to your.........

Sulu: Coming out of the closet?

No that is not what.........

Sulu: See that is what David Carradine's problem was he stayed in the closet too long. An Asian would have known to come out of the closet like me. Is a shame in a man needing asphyxiation to get off. If he had anal he would be alive today like Robin Williams.

Robin Williams is dead.

Sulu: See what I mean. Died of not enough anal.

I thought it was from not coming out of the closet, and not, not enough anal.

Sulu: Oh I remember now, Williams was left hanging on the closet door in fetal position. It always comes back to anal, no one gets enough anus satisfaction in life, and when they don't it is just bonzai.

Bonzai?

Sulu: Or one of them Japanese words.

I see you have.........run out of tuna noodle and this is a good place for our exit.

Sulu: No no, second helping coming, and I want to tell you how I made Jackie Chan.

No thank you Mr. Takei, as we have more than enough.

Sulu: Let me tell you about Pat Morita and let me draw you a picture of him in tuna noodle bake on the table as I have a real talent for such things.