As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
There is absolutely nothing which is happening to you which has not occurred before, to some human wretch like you or me. The Bible says "Nothing is new under the sun", and that is from Inspired work by the Holy Ghost several thousand years ago, so you are just experiencing what others have struggled through. This is not your Mein Kampf, but your Christian Kampf or struggle.
I post this in a book I received from 1903 AD in the year of our Lord, a translation from the German in Gustav Just. The book is far older as it records the struggle of Martin Luther, the greatest Protestant who was chosen by God to Reform what had been corrupted by popery.
The period is 1500, or over 500 years ago, and this part speaks to so many in the Christian Struggle.
Stauptiz one day found Luther in great distress of spirit and said to him, " Ah, you do not know how salutary and necessary such trials are for you; without them nothing good would become of you. For God does not send them to you in vain. You will see that he will use you for great things".
That is something all of us forget in our hurts and crushing disappointments, that God is moulding us in hot emotions to make us greater lights in His Body, and to become ministers and teachers to others in their time of trial in going through the same things.
That does not mean our hating God at the time, our screaming, cussing and ranting is something out of the ordinary. It is not our established reactions which we will become no more than burping is what we do 24 hours a day. We need to vent in the pressures and in time with God we grow through the trial.
At another time, Luther complained, "O my sin, my sin, my sin, " when Staupitz told him, "Christ is the forgiveness of REAL SINS. He is a REAL SAVIOR and you are a REAL SINNER. God has sent Hisown Son and delivered Him up for us".
We all have sins. Deliberate sins and sins because we are ignorant in our arrogance or thinking how wonderful we are. There are sins which are in rebellion against God in thinking we can keep sinning those sins as we can handle them. There are sins of rebellion against God which are planned. Those are the deliberate sins which are iniquity and make us enemies of God.
A real Christian examines themselves and tries each day to mould themselves with the Holy Ghost's assistance to behave. It is a life process which requires time. It is the intent of the heart to honestly become more like Christ in morality and piety, in growing stronger in Spirit by praying and pondering on the Word which produces a tended Spirit in us, which grows and sheds it's carnal nature of desiring indulgences which only destroy us.
When, because of great anxiety for his sins, He became sick, an old friar comforted him with these words, "I believe in the forgiveness of sin.", and explained these words to mean;, "It is not enough to believe God forgives sins in general, for the devils also believe that. You must believe that your sins, our sins, your sins are forgiven. For man is justified by grace through faith". So, even at that time, a ray of light fell into Luther's soul benighted by popery, and form this time on his favorite passage remained Romans 3:28: "Therefore we conclude, that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the Law".
It is in this that we reach the reality of God forgives our sins, but that in that grace God does not give us a license to sin in knowing God forgives us. We can not go out and violate sexual laws, abuse our bodies and minds with drugs or porn, continue on with people in open rebellion of God, as all of these actions harm us and degrade us, and delay the process of growing in Spirit.
My favorite Bible verse the Holy Ghost gave me one Sunday in my struggle in Bible study is from I John 3:20
For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.
The next verse in 21 is the foundation of all of this as it means self examination in we have a healthy conscience to assist in curbing us by the Holy Ghost.
Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.
The confidence we have toward God is what grew in Luther and all Christians in the promise of verse 22.
And whatsoever we ask, we receive of Him, because we keep His commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in His sight.
That is our Promise, but understand as Luther struggled as all real Christians do, that satan, selfish people we trust who seek to undermine us, and other people's wills, all attempt to curb us, discourage us to give up on that Promise, but the Christian holds firm on that with their WILL in Christ's Authority to receive those gifts, because we like Luther work to keep the Commandments of God, which are life to us, and by keeping them we live a life which God always observes and He is most pleased in looking down upon us and considering us, as obedient children.
Often I am looked upon by others as the omnipotent Christian in having grown further than most people have, but in this I may no longer struggle with the things you are dealing with, but this life in Christ is one in which I still struggle as I have more focus from satan and demons, more people to force back in their wills and greater mountains to move and deeper valleys to ascend out of, as the Spirit in me requires growth and as St. Paul teaches about conditioning, a race is only prepared for by even more training.
This is the Christian Struggle and the reward in Christ alone is ruling with Him in an eternal Life where the struggle has ended for Christ has overcome for us to receive that reward, not earned by our actions, but given by Him and proven by the way we control our actions as a chaste and moral People.