Always remember to ask for a doggy bag at a Funeral
As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
I found an old Ann Lander's column instructing readers in how to deal with people who have dead people on their hands. Ann of course had it all wrong and it is a good thing this blog is here to rectify it, and also fitting that the column with a 1 cent stamp was in a Mysteries of the Bible.
Ann said that you should accept silence. That is all wrong. If the people are sullen and won't talk, by all means turn on the television and watch some sports, order up some booze and snacks they can pay for, and invite about 20 of your friends over for a party. Tell the family it is for their own good and there is no sense in everyone suffering.
Always be sure to be honest with the people who are in mourning. Tell them about the time that they cheated on their spouses, lied to their children and any other information which would be most welcome to breaking that mourning bond.
Go out and get them one of these snarling pets from the Humane Society which no one wants. Tell the HS that the people will be down to pay for it later and just dump the new pet off in their basement or garage. Don't tell them of course as you want it to be a suprise.
I would leave a note though in explaining their new replacement for their dead relative might take some work.
Always be first to ask to be given something the dead person had as you knew that the dead would want you to have it. It is a good idea to not hint, but be bold about it. Like excuse yourself and then go try on their nice things, and appear before the relatives so they notice you have on new things, and just say "It is best this way".
Never tell people you are coming. Just show up and ask what time lunch will be.
Always kiss the attractive relatives for a full minute as your comforting hands roam over their body.
Tell them things like, "Yeah I thought they were faking it, but they sure proved me wrong", and, "Probably would have been better if they suffered longer as they probably are in hell in what kind of heathens they were".
Ann did say we should be ourselves. This she got right. Personally, I like to start things off with wailing and lamenting, going to the faucet to splash some tears on my face, and the rolling around on the table or sofa for a few minutes, as floors you never know the last time they were washed.
Once you get that mourning thing out of the way, you can start telling lewd jokes.
You should always insult the beliefs the person had. Slapping the clergy is a good start as it gets the people's minds off of things.
Tell the people you are available for anything they might need, and then present them an hourly rate plus mileage, and the necessary credit cards for purchasing things for them.
Never accept how the mourners are acting. Tell them they are selfish for not thinking about you. If they are mad at God, tell them God did them a favor and the world killing that person off as you had thought about it often enough.
Tell people you know how they feel. Examples are good like, "Yeah I know how it is to lose someone you care about. My cat shed just too much so I let her out into the street to get run over as I was not paying money to have that thing put down. Would have been better if your relative had got run over too in all it would have saved".
Ask about life insurance, inheritance and tell them of investing in things you can borrow and not return.
Make sure you ask about the details of the death. Probe with things like, "Did they puke up Ghost Buster slime", be vivid as you like.
Always tell the family that major decisions should be made now, like selling their home for a cruise where you can go along to sympathize.
Offer to help set things up after the funeral, but how long does it take to plug in a coffee pot eh? Instead use your valuable time in going through the house, garage, office in taking the things you like, as you mention some relatives were there when you arrived with a van and left.
Contact the mortician immediately and inform him that the family has put you in charge to economize the funeral in you are downgrading everything, but the mortician can charge the same price, but you will split it with him 50 50.
Be honest and tell them how bad the corpse looks in the coffin, and if they cremate, sympathize with them on being so cheap to not embalm their loved one. But be sure to comfort them in informing them that morticians suck out the vitals and pump the corpse full of embalming fluid, right before they have sex with the cadaver.
Seek out the children as now is the time to educate them. Tell them they are all going to hell to be eaten by worms forever, unless they always do what you say.
Ann says to write a letter as sympathy cards are not enough. Most people are not good with words, so you should instead just write up a fictional account of that person. In the computer age, you can just cut and paste the life story of some serial killer or rapist, and put the person's name in the right places. Just explain at the end in a few short lines that you hope they like your writing in featuring their loved one in the story.
Fire up the computer and sign up the spouse for a dating site. Ask for some sexy poses and tell them they need to get out and date ASAP.
By all means get rid of all the pictures of the dead. I have found that bringing some Obama pictures to hang in their place is something people really appreciate.
When the person goes out in public again, make a big deal of it. Stop them, stop strangers and tell them their loved one just died, and you are still taking money to help pay for things, which you can then pocket for lunch.
If the person is angry or having problems, order up some booze or bags of weed, but make sure you get your share.
Tell them the last thing they need is a therapist or a priest. A prostitute with a real girl or boyfriend experience is something you would enjoy helping them through with.
Those are just a few things in the revised Ann Lander's helps. Do not limit yourself though in opportunities. If the person is elderly and off a bit, by all means get them a pen and help them sign their name. If they are attractive, of course sex is the rule, as sex is a good tonic for pain, and in some Muslim nations, do not rule out the legal age teenagers as future mates.
Just remember do not get displaced by the dead, as they are not there, so use them as a cover to benefit yourself and show the mourners how much better their lives will be now that this person is dead in your helping to spend the money.
agtG
