As another Lame Cherry exclusive in matter anti matter.
If you are not a decent person, stop reading this and go on to some mind porn you are deluding yourself with as the following post will have zero use for you, as you will never experience these things or emotions as you are incapable of the experience.
For the good people, after mom died, I have had these mood swings and I could not figure out what was going on tonight, until I was mixing up some snacks and the Holy Ghost solved it for me as it apparently is important and more so than me, but for all of those reading this from Captain Kirk past, Debbie present to the Viking future.
What the Holy Ghost explained in a flash drive, is that what I have been feeling is violated.
That woman has been violating me for months, for years, for all of my life. I am not saying this is something different than most children get, but it is about a parent violating that security childhood promises. Children are not supposed to be terrorized by having to constantly worry about their parent's dying. A child as an adult is not suppose to have to be made responsible for their parent as their child, disrupting every sensibility, as we discover we have a 100 to 150 pound six month to five year old, who does not appreciate a thing we are doing and can light fires in the house and fall down leaving injuries that can be reported as neglect or abuse. Weeks and months of that, along with the constant upheaval of never knowing what mood or goofy story is going to appear, and you just feel violated.
Then as you are terrified of their dying, they get better, and then they surprise you by terrifying you again about dying, this time with water retention that your premonition indicates they will probably go septic, get gangrene and have to have legs chopped off, lay in bed, get worse and then die, as you feel guilty in not being able to be there enough as they waste away, drooling on themselves.
Then you get the big surprise. They go and die on you. That though is not enough of a violation of trust, as you find government officials questioning you as part of the process from the sheriff to the coroner, and after the questions, they haul your parent off to examine them, to make sure you are not the next featured story in the criminal press.
Then comes the unexpected violations of the parents hiding their information, the funeral director raping you with ungodly 7000 dollar "cheap" burials, the amazing magic act of your siblings all losing their wallets, while they think they inherit everything, as all of this is now your responsibility, as they keep discovering ways to benefit themselves.
Then comes the weeks of "I am sorry, but there is no money, nor benefits, but we are here to legally rob you.
There has not been a day in forever, that I have not been violated. I have done the right thing, and in return have been lied to, stolen from, terrified, inflicted upon, robbed and deprived of my security as people who do not care, phone it in, and are bathed in luxury, have none of these things happening.
I wonder how I got into this position of morality while the rest of the world cruises by in their pretend.
Here is one of my favorite examples of asshole pretend. Mom had a rich sister in law, in California, who my brown nose sister sucks tit on, because she is rich. So the sister is telling me that she told this creature about mom dying and here is the reply:
"Oh I loved your mother. She was not like my other two sister in laws in we got along. She was never jealous of my close relationship with my father".
I smirked at this but brown nose was transfixed.
OK here is the reality. That rich woman has not had any contact with mom for a decade. The reason everyone hates her is because she is a self absorbed, holier than thou, shit head who offends everyone as she is stupid as a post.
Here is an example, in we were at the lake and there were trophy fish on the wall, and one of those idiot singing fish. When that was mentioned, she looked at a trophy fish and her husband had to tell her that was not the one. That is how dense that woman is, in she can not tell a cartoon fish from a real fish.
As far as her close relationship, Grampa always said she spent all of his money. He was so mad when this rich bitch stole a set of china on Grandma's death that was supposed to go to mom, that he clunked mom on the head with handle of his knife as they were butchering chickens. He told the rich wad she was the worst cook he had ever seen.
Mom had a closer relationship with any of them, except Gram, than that woman ever had. Psychologically this deluded woman apparently wants to be a daddy's girl in her aging years. She is deluded, but is the perfect example of all of these people, because none of them are going to put their money where their mouths are, no more than they put in the time when they were needed.
It is really shitty when I have had more sympathy from people I never knew, than people I was related to, and that includes my parent.
I honestly believe both of my parents were taken out by God in a quiet ending, not for them, but for those who were suffering from them. Each day it screams at me as I move past the day mom died, that I simply could not have taken any more of this. I could not have taken weeks of her dying, her feet rotting and the same toxic things she was doing before. Yes I could have done it I believe, but there would not have been anything left of me.
Now we come to the alternative in each day I get violated in some new surprise. I keep thinking as I make calls and get thing wrapped up it will be better, but each day some new surprise pops up. Today's surprise was that mom was on fuel assistance, and the crabby secretary of the business informed us that the day she died, that is the day the fuel ran out. Seven grande funeral and now the gem that I have to try and figure out how to heat this place. It's like existing on goddamn Mars and finding out each day that the supply ship forgot air.
I confess to a prayer I have been praying. At this point in being sick and soul raped repeatedly again, all I want is a little electric heater, the money to afford to run that thing, to curl up in front of it and just go to sleep until I recover.
I get upset in knowing how many people are out there with the same shit things happening in real problems, and then these hosts of people who have money spending it on shit like 20 bucks at coffee or five thousand on like their multiple vacation this year.
I have been soul raped before, been violated before, had things done to me that fill prisons and hell, and Christ carried me through, as it has happened time and again the past few years all over again, making me groan, but this is a reality in I was forced past the breaking point in being violated, and now this torture, is raping me of all of my base of reality as it not disappointment, but the reality of nothingness and scooping it out daily to a deeper hurt.
Fortunately most of you good people, have at least one good parent, and have reprieve points to recover, but this is something different. I wonder now if praying to be the greatest light to glorify God has something to do with all of this. It was not the first time a prayer got me into this kind of suffering.
It is surreal that poverty is my prison, like millions of people now, but in this prison I am abused without escape and the reality is so dismal that even my bridges to nowhere which I usually construct to survive, come crashing down with each shockwave.
I have no idea where this will end if this will finally consume me as I melt like ice. It will be your front seat to gain insight in how to cope with this kind of suffering. I will be your stepping stone.
I do believe that I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me. The problem is this vessel is not designed for this over activation. I have felt like a jet engine, having rocket fuel turbo charged through it. We will see how long the rocking horse winner lasts.
Nuff Said
agtG
